The last time I blogged, it was from a very bad place.
I was overwhelmed with emotion and unable to see from the cloud of despair that hovered over my head. This is never a good time to hit “publish” on a blog post. However, I did and I’m owning all of my thoughts and words.
I have always wanted to blog to be about transparency. I wanted to share an honest picture of how bad debt can affect someone. I have always wanted to show the story of someone who got absolutely no financial education in life and how it has affected every decision I’ve ever made. I have always wanted to share my honest and true feelings about the situation I find myself in without hiding behind empty words.
I’ve always wanted to be honest and truthful about my financial life, even when it wasn’t pretty. Even when it didn’t seem like this princess was going to get her happily ever after.
When I posted about failure last week, I did so knowing that others would think many negative things about me and possibly even state them on my blog. I was prepared for the harsh words and abuse (it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve received it on this blog) but surprisingly enough, I didn’t really get much of it.
What did happen last Thursday was not pretty. I will not share with you what went occurred on the other side of this computer screen. I will say that I spent the day wrapped up in the “I Should Have’s” of my life.
I should have kept my job in 2008 when I left my (then) husband and moved away.
I should have stayed in Columbus instead of moving in with my mom.
I should have been working harder.
I should have listened to what others said and what I knew to be the truth and saved more money.
I should have had a job for the past year subbing like I had originally planned.
I should have been better prepared for this situation.
I should have moved into a cheaper apartment.
The list went on and on and repeated in my head for hours. When I was in that space, I wasn’t able to think of anything positive. I wasn’t able to see any options.
The smartest thing that I did last Thursday was go to class. I didn’t want to and based on what I saw in the mirror, I wasn’t in any shape to attend but I did. My professor knew the first time she laid eyes on my and during a break pulled me out into the hallway to talk. She is my advisor and the last thing she wants is for me to drop out of school so she was able to give me some advise from an academic standpoint.
What REALLY helped though was the thinking I had while in class. A switch flipped and I was able to think positively for the first time in awhile. I was able to develop a plan that may save me and the boys, as well as help us improve our lives.
I now have a plan and one that I’m working. I’ve turned all those “I Should Have’s” into “I AM Going To!”
I am going to think positive about my car. It is, after all, still running!
I am going to apply to substitute in Columbus Public Schools where the need is the greatest (and my chance for placement is greater!).
I am going to think positively and not let negative thoughts weigh me down any longer!
I am going to keep applying everywhere that I can, eventually someone will call!
I am going to sign a month-to-month lease for my apartment until I have a full time job and then I will be looking for somewhere cheaper to live.
I spoke to my mom over the weekend, she came up to see the boys and I (I had this stupid birthday thing that keeps happening every year. Blah!) and she is going to help me out with whatever I can not manage for November’s rent. She agrees with me that the best course of action right now is to stay in the apartment I’m in. I can’t actually get a new lease because I don’t have a job, nor do I have any money set aside for a deposit. The goal is to move out of this apartment by the first of the year and into a small house (which are renting for less than this apartment. Who knew?) This way I can stay in the area and by moving into a house, I think my son will actually be happier. I know he loves living here and I he does not do well with change but I am going to start reminding him that a move is coming. I’m also going to have him come along when I go see a new place. His anxiety is going to be higher for awhile but after we move in and get settled and I am calmer, his anxiety will decrease. I’m sure of it.
I was told that the Columbus Public School system is desperate for subs and that their pay rate exceeds $100/day. I can probably get work every single day if I’m not picky about where I go to sub. And I am most definitely not picky. This will hopefully start sometime in October. So I will need to probably borrow some money to pay for November’s rent. My mom is aware of this and while she wishes it didn’t have to come to this, she will be there to lend me the money.
I took my car in for an oil change and to get a look at all the fluid levels, to make sure it wasn’t transmission fluid that was causing my transmission to slip. It was fine but I was out of oil. I have always added 2-3 Quarts of oil to it each month due to a leak. BUT the level got too low (even though it had only been one month since I added oil). So the current thinking is that the engine was slipping due to no oil pressure. This happened about a year ago. As long as I keep oil in it, I might be able to keep it going. When January comes around, I’ll have my final student loan refund and with that I’ll have money to buy a new-to-me car when this one dies.
It’s not a perfect plan and there are a few “if’s” that I’m playing with but I’m hopeful. I just can’t let my mind wander into the negative or I become debilitated by the problems.
I’ve also decided that next semester will be my last one until a school district pays for my classes. Hopefully by subbing around the area, in multiple districts, I’ll get my name out there and be able to secure a position for the next school year.
Within a year, this blog could have a totally new feel. One that has me actively saving money and REALLY paying off my debt. Finally!
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