As of November 1st, I will be homeless.
That isn’t a dramatization. I will literally be without a home on that date. I can no longer afford to live in my apartment. I actually can’t afford to pay the utilities that go along with the apartment.
I failed to plan!
I realized about 6 weeks ago that this was going to happen while looking over my finances. I’m in grad school and my university just switched over to the semester system. This means that my tuition went up, quite a bit. My student loan amounts when down, quite a bit as well. This means that I am trying to survive with about $3000 less right now.
I wasn’t prepared for this. I, incorrectly thought my student loans were going to cover my major expenses and then I’d be able to work on a part-time basis to pay for everything else.
I started putting out applications for jobs a few weeks ago. My phone didn’t ring, not once.
I failed to save.
A week ago, the transmission in my car started to slip while I was driving on the highway. This is NOT good. It would appear that my car is on it’s deathbed. I don’t know how long it’s going to last but it’s not going to be long. I am also, not prepared to replace the vehicle.
Knowing this, I started putting in applications to all the businesses that I could walk to. That’s not a lot of options when you live in a rural area without a bus line. But I’ve been applying. My phone has rang, once. It was to a fast food restaurant that is about a 15 minute drive away. Even though I wouldn’t be able to walk there should my car die, I went to the interview. I haven’t heard back (I plan to call him today to follow-up.)
I have an orientation meeting set up for Oct. 4th to get me set up for substitute teaching. I can’t afford to pay the $75 I’ll need to get my substitute certificate ($25) or my fingerprints/background check done ($50). BUT I’m hoping to borrow that from my mom so that I can keep going with this. Of course, should my car die, I can only walk to one school so that limits me. For now, I’m not thinking about that.
Even if I get substitute teaching going, I won’t have enough money put aside to pay rent by November 1st.
I failed to be prepared.
I can’t afford the rent in my apartment and I’m going to have to move to a cheaper place. That’s only if I can get a job. I have no one in the area who can let me crash on their couch. I have no family, no friends, no one to lean on so that I can make this work.
I’m freaking out. REALLY freaking out.
I could take out more student loans, if I had decent credit to do so. But I don’t. I’ll be borrowing $1,000 from my university to cover rent and a couple of bills in October. But that’s all that I can borrow.
Of course should my car break down, I won’t be able to get to school anyways and I’ll be dropping out mid semester.
I have failed my kids.
I’m going to have to give my ex the kids full time while I am homeless. I’ve failed them more than anything. He’s not a great father. He doesn’t treat them well. He yells at them, is verbally abusive (calling them dummies and fat even), he isn’t involved in the betterment of them and his home does not feel like home to my children.
This apartment that we live in is the only place my oldest has ever felt like he was at home in. He told me this just a couple of weeks ago. And now I’m going to uproot him and give up our apartment. I hate that I’ve failed him with this and I’m about to cause chaos in his life.
If my phone doesn’t start ringing I’m going to fail at life.
As you can tell, I’m feeling extremely low right now. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I do have a small plan in place but it’s not perfect.
1. I’m applying for benefits through the state. This won’t cover all expenses or my rent but it will help with some of them.
2. I’m applying for a job at every business within walking distance. There aren’t a lot of options in this area. I live in a small town in a rural part of the state, not far from the city but not on a bus line. My options here are very limited.
3. Due to my options being so limited, I’m also applying for work-at-home jobs. I’m going to contact everyone I have written for in the past and see if they need writing done. I’m also going to look into doing customer service from home. I was planning on turning off my internet as it’s an expense I could do without since there is a library nearby but if these options work out then I would need internet (and a landline if the c/s jobs worked out).
4. Start looking for cheaper housing. My lease is up on Oct. 31st. I will be moving out then regardless of what happens. It’s just a matter of where will I be going. I’m going to look into housing assistance to see what is available for low income housing in this area.
5.Selling everything that will fetch a price. I have a box of items that I’ve been meaning to sell on Craigslist or eBay for awhile but haven’t done so. I’m going to get that going as well as taking some items that I have to a place that buys general household items and resells them. I have collected Wilton Armetale pieces (they are pewter serving dishes) and I’ll be selling them on eBay. I’m also going to sell my tv. It’s a small (like 19″) flat screen tv but if I can get $25 for it then it’s a bit more to put into the bank.
6. Try to remain calm. This isn’t happening so far. I’m tense. I’m having panic attacks. I can’t sleep. I’m eating more and more junk food because I don’t have the energy to plan decent meals. I’m freaking out and holding it all in has been extremely stressful.
I am sure I’m going to get flamed by people. There are always people who feel good by pointing out all the ways others have failed or are lacking. I KNOW where I’ve failed. I AM beating myself up. I loathe what I’ve done with my life. I haven’t made one right decision since I walked away from my marriage (that was a right decision) and left a full time, GOOD job.
I do not need others to tell me how much I’ve failed and how I should have planned. I KNOW what I should have done. I didn’t do it! I’m freaking out enough on my own, I don’t need others to remind me of how badly I’m doing.
I’m only sharing this because I think others need to know how easily it is to get into a trap like this.
I’m sharing because it helps me. By writing it out, I’m dealing with the issues that are building up inside and I’m hoping I hold myself accountable because admitting defeat is really, REALLY difficult.
I’m also sharing because I know that there are people out there who are great thinkers. Maybe there are people who can give me some ideas on other options I may have. Maybe someone reading this post will need a writer (and pay HUGE amounts of money for my articles. A girl can dream, right?). Maybe someone out there knows someone in Sunbury, OH and know of a job that I could apply for.
Maybe, by writing this, things can change and I’ll come out of this with a roof over my head still and a job to pay the bills.
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